“MONKEY COGNITION MAKES LEAPS AND BOUNDS”
from the Daily Myopic Examiner
New Orleans- Scientists worldwide are collectively releasing research documents proving great advances in the intelligence of monkeys. “It is possible that monkeys have always been this intelligent, just without us Homosapiens being aware of it,” says Trudy Oldham of Boston University- “But I doubt it!” adds her co-researcher, Ken Pooks.
The research documents list several dozen instances of monkeys involved in activities both inside research laboratories and out. In Burlington, Vermont, a spider monkey appeared at a local hot dog eating contest-not only winning it, but tripling the local record by consuming 270 dogs. At a zoo in Fargo, North Dakota, zookeepers working in the primate facility noticed odd behavior in a chimpanzee. After much analysis, they claim that “Cooper” was drawing line graphs of his and other chimps’ sex drives on the wall of his holding pen, using his own feces to do so. “It’s possible [Cooper] was copying the behavior of the researchers who observed him,” said Ron Butch, a keeper at the zoo. At MIT, lab chimps have been given computers with internet capability as part of an experiment. The researchers were delighted when one chimp began receiving emails from another.
Biologists worldwide are optimistic about this dramatic increase in primate intelligence. “We are not focusing on negative reports,” said Oldham, “reports of snow monkeys in Osaka locking themselves out of their apartments. Or that orangutan in London who forgot his own birthday. That was embarrassing. But he was the exception, not the rule.”
PHOTO CAPTION: “Scientists and Friends dance for joy following recent discoveries”
“EMAIL MISHAP: Quellcom Mistake Misdirects Messages”
from The Spitdale Missive
“A power surge on October 12th caused a server failure at Quellcom. Customers of Quellcom’s ISP services had their emails mysteriously rerouted. “We don’t really know what caused this,” said Pauli Sherman, district manager. “It’s really physically impossible.”
Customers are redirecting emails to the intended addressees. Lula Kreek, a librarian at Tripdale Elementary, received a misdirected email from the Prince of Montato. She is forwarding it to Toys in Babeland, Inc, the intended addressee.
Patrick Carter II, area research dolphin, got an email sent from a chimpanzee from MIT. “I know it wasn’t intended for my eyes, but it was intriguing,” Carter said “I was not aware that primates had language skills.”
For information regarding the redirection of particular lost email messages, customers can call Quellcom at 1-800-ITS-QCOM.”
SIDEBAR TEXT: “Related Stories: Quellcom Stocks Fall…..October 12th Storms cause Problems for City…..Prince of Montato goes on Honeymoon.
(am hoping this one is legible….let me know)
“AREA DOLPHIN HAS VIOLENT HATRED FOR NOAM CHOMSKY”
-by Lawrence Salmon and Patrick Carter II
Spitdale- Area dolphin Patrick Carter II, having recently gained local fame as the recipient of a fully coherent email from a chimpanzee, is “spitting mad” at another famous figure, linguist Noam Chomsky.
Carter first contacted Chomsky on December 12, days after accidentally receiving primate’s message, which was apparently intended for the eyes of a female chimpanzee. Carter waited nearly two weeks for a response from Chomsky, growing “more and more impatient with each passing day.”
The remainder of this story will be told, at Carter’s insistence, in the dolphin’s own words:
Noam Chomsky, this i say to you: You have some nerve! After years of denying that the primates who use American Sign Language to communicate their basic needs, desires, and feelings-as i say, denying that these complex creatures comprehend what they’re communicating, well that’s always burned me up, but when faced with UNDENIABLE PROOF that chimps have completely mastered the English Language:grammar, spelling, and all, this idiot- no, this MORON-not only continues to insist that primates have no language skills, but calls me, Patrick Carter II, “another dumb dolphin trying to prove his salt”! Well, YOU have no language OR social skills, Noam Dome CHUMPSKY!!
Ed’s Note: The staff of this newspaper located Mr. Chomsky at a certain Italian restaurant in the Bronx, following several unsuccessful attempts to reach him at home. When asked for comment, Chomsky proclaimed that “no truly intelligent animal would lock himself out of his own apartment.” He then got up to leave, shoving his right arm through the left sleeve of his jacket as he hurried away.
also hoping this one is legible. please comment if not, thanks!
The last step of this huge project was to photocopy all the pages with post-its attached, as if collected by a teacher or researcher. Then we stapled them together and sneakily inserted them into several Zoology textbooks at the University Bookstore.