This is a large pastel drawing from 2007. I know there’s kind of a emo-drama thing going on with it, as well as some anatomy problems! But I really just made it for myself.
My 2007 depression/mental problem attack…in my mind, even with all the difficulties, it forever changed my artwork. After it, I completely ceased to care what anyone else thought of my artwork. The best I can describe it is
that it MIGHT feel a little like someone feels when they have an illness or accident that might have killed them, but didn’t. Of course it’s probably NOT the same, I’ve never had the other happen to me…amd this was in my brain, not my body. If those are separate at all. For some months I had that total lack of self-consciousness, not caring what anyone thought about anything I did because I was just happy to be alive. It sounds so melodramatic, but it’s really how I felt at the time.
I was looking at lots of Renaissance and Baroque paintings of Saint Sebastian. I don’t know stories of saints, but see them in paintings, so I looked up his. In the story, after he is shot through with arrows and miraculously survives, he spends just a few short days visiting people and then is recaptured and forcibly drowned. He survived all those arrows just to be killed a few days later.
He’s taking out his own arrows here.