i was looking through some journals from a couple years ago last night. i found this little story i wrote about a giant squid. it wasn’t planned to be a story, i was trying to write down my thoughts i had…a counselor had told me to try and slow down these thoughts, be mindful of them, and manipulate them when i can. i was constantly thinking of jumping into water, and started writing about this and describing and drawing pictures of it…
” I imagine myself diving down until i meet a giant squid. Have I written this down yet? I don’t think so.
I dive down and walk along the ocean floor. Until I see a giant squid. I tell him, or her,
‘Giant Squid… I don’t know why I am alive. I know what my nature is, but many people do not see what I do. I spend a lot of time alone. My life’s drama, my successes, my failures, they are all made alone, in the dark of my own self. Why do I go on? Why do I not make myself vanish and cease? Or have I already?’
‘Oh, little fragile thing…’ the squid says ‘you spend a lot of time thinking and feeling the world quietly. Perhaps you can help me. What is my reason for living? I spend a lot of time alone, in the deep. Much of the world has never seen me or what I do. They only know me by pieces of me, ends of my arms that wash ashore. Why do I go on? Why do I not make myself vanish and cease? Or have I?’
I say, ‘Giant Squid! But you are one of the most alluring creatures on earth! You are so mysterious, no one can fathom your size or your strength except you. This is not a lonely thing, it is your nature. Many people think about you, and talk about you, and try very hard to find you…So I think you are very loved… you do not know this because you hide so deep. No one wants you to cease being…but we don’t know what your purpose is. Only you know that.’
‘You’re not so much different from me, little one’ the squid says, and disappears behind a billow of ink.”
from April 3, 2007.